A Few Chances

     Life. It just keeps going. No matter how much you just want to get off the merry-go-round, it continues to spin...disorienting everything that you see. it hurts and sometimes the headache begins to migrate. Your whole body begins to ache and as you spin into nothing you realize how much you just want to get OFF!  I can relate. my life just spins! No one listening no one talking....or maybe that's all they do but i am not paying enough attention. it hurts and i dont want to be near it anymore....people screaming. They scream at me to get off and stop hurting.. but I can't hear them correctly anymore.
   I don't understand...so maybe something can be made plain here. Does God condemn those who dont understand everything?  Does he hate those who think differently than he? Does he not think that those who think differently want to think like he?....Does God hate those who hate? Does he dislike everyone who cant forgive? Even when that forgiveness begs to be given! Even when i would give it at the least of a second.....but cant because it still hurts too much! It's to fresh a wound. Why does pain have to hurt so deeply that you could die in it! Why does everything have spin out of control till you realize you stopped spinning and sadly you lay there breathless. What if tomorrow is too overwhelming. I'm not the same anymore. I've been running every direction and i realize i cant see anything. This carousel is spinning still and yet i found peace....Am I braver than i thought? I lost my reflection in the game.  And i realized God didn't push me away....I was being pushed closer. I am so desperate to stay here! Right now alone! It's my turn to be strong! It's the last good bye and the first hello! I can do this....please realize I die with the bravest intentions. To stand strong! All of my friends will see a coward but i see a strong person who is not afraid to lose everything to gain it all back. It hurts the most when you finally hit the bottom and cant stand up again... Will He also see a coward?

           i don't know. But i believe in second chances...Does he?

I dont understand

  The other day i heard a phrase i have heard my whole life....and my room mate looked at me when i asked the question the phrase brought up. She explained but she is not my religion and brought up stuff i dont believe, then called my mom and she asked me what i was talking about. She thought i was working myself up for no reason. the truth is i dont understand. Something i have known my whole life and i dont understand. It's weird...i want to understand. But i dont. I used to...but now it's all wrong and noone can make sense for me. I just want to understand and it worries me that i have gone to far away to understand. I need help. I am scared because i used to be so sure of my faith and now i feel like it's dwindled. I'm scared. i have never been this confused before....EVER!