The Things I have learned in 34 days...

                                                  I miss my friend
                                   The one my heart and soul confided in
                                          The one I felt the safest with
                   The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
                                            And let the light back in
                                                I miss my friend

 It is officially. Sister Ruth has been in the field for 34 days...a little over a month. I can't believe how fast time has truly flown! I just can't! But in the last 34 days I have learned some pretty amazing things about myself, about Sister Ruth, and overall life.

      Sister Ruth is doing well to check out what she is up to and how she is doing click here. She is in a town called Terre Haute ( pronounce Tear-a Hote (rhyme it with note)  She is do really well and it seems for as stubborn as people are that the people in the church are just bright and all the investigators are just really special, neat, and inspiring. I am super glad! She seems to finally be finding her way around which i think she was worried about at first. But now that it has been at least 2 weeks she is right in the swing of things and i think she is really actually happy! She is truly lost in the work ( I have received one letter in 34 days. It's a miracle hahaha) I am really glad when i get the chance to hear from her though because i realize i do miss her but she is where is 100 % needed and i could not wish her away from that for any thing!

   Something I have learned about myself...I miss her a lot less then i thought I would. I just keep praying that she will remain strong and healthy and that i can lose myself in my studies and callings and that time will pass without too much hardship! it's not really homesick just Hannahsick. I miss her a lot some times, but then there are times like today when i realize it's been a MONTH since she left WHOAAAAA!!!! This week was really hard to do by myself but i know the lord is prepping me for my own mission and the amount of work and stress that can hold. I am so prepared emotionally and spiritually. I know the church is true and you know  people keep asking me where i want to serve and i finally found my answer. Wherever I can go that the people need me. Wherever the lord sees fit to place me and do the most good that i myself can do! I just have to put my faith in the Lord because he puts his undying faith in me every day. He gives me the chance to wake up, share the gospel, serve my fellow friends and coworkers and  he lets me know that the he is blessing those I have to be far away from to do what I need to do. I am so ready to start and yet the Lord continually teaches me about his timing and i just have to have some faith that he knows why I need to wait and therefore I need to wait.  I just wish it wasn't so hard some days....

Oh there's no place like home for the Holidays....unless you are on a Mission

               I'm so excited to be going back home for the holidays. I get to see my Mom, my sisters and my dog. I also get to see some friends, and go to some homecomings, one or two farewells, a few dates, celebrate the birth of Christ, bring in 2014 ( where did that come from!!!) and turn 22 and do it all in about 12 days. Should be fun right? the answer is YES!
    My thought I wanted to share with everyone during this wonderful time of the year comes from the idea of many people that are not able to be home for the holidays. But maybe I could bring people home in their hearts! I hope to write at least 50 missionaries ( 20 minimum!)  who do not normally get mail from anyone ( if not very very few.) I think it is heart breaking that there are so many valiant brother and sisters serving the Lord in the calling of Missionary and yet no writes them. No one shares they goals, and their trials. No one shares they success and heart ache when they have to leave for a transfer. No one shares with them their amazing journey that is serving a mission.
  I could not imagine not getting mail. (granted i don't have a large family but i have a very solid family! I have a very easy time because my mother's side of the family are all LDS ( 2 cousins served missions. My mom, and 2 uncles as well as a plethora of  others that are not so immediate.) I just couldn't imagine this holiday season not getting any sort of love and encouragement and the days get shorter and the weather gets colder.
   I am sending all of the missionaries a little Christmas card and you know what i truly do encourage everyone to write a new missionary this winter season because all 80,000 missionaries deserve to be thought of. They deserve to be remembered in prayers, letters and care packages and I am not letting those who aren't being thought of down! They are just as important and loved!!!!  Here is a copy of my Christmas card I shall be sending out.


                        

           Merry Christmas Everyone! - Rach

 

My Missionary Moments

 I was not expecting to be able to write about all these experiences so soon, but I found that when I put my whole heart on the line willing and wanting to serve, i was able to just tell people what I believed. I was blessed because I got to meet some really cool people whom I greatly respect and adore now that I was able to serve them.  I have the coolest stories to share.
      I want to tell you about my friend I met at the beginning of the school year , I shall call him F. (though if you are reading this you know exactly who you are. *wink wink* )  F. is not from this country and probably one of the coolest young men I have been able to work with at all this last semester. He is a little older than I am and he has a good head on his shoulders. He is very polite and very sweet. Our story together started when I mentioned I was a Mormon. He told me he had never met another LDS member and had some questions. I have done the best I can with answering his questions. Just a few weeks ago he even came to church with me and was able to see what our service was like. He felt really comfortable with the people and liked the sense of community we had.  He's been reading the Book of Mormon I bought him in his native tongue (  The book in English is hard enough for those who have spoken it their whole lives. ) He seems truly interested, just to know the truth. I have no idea if he'll ever convert and to be honest I don't think I care if he does or doesn't because I know I opened a door for whenever he is ready. I know we shall always be very close friends and I hope he'll continue to ask me questions. The missionaries want to teach him but I am not sure he is truly wanting to be taught right now. But I am grateful the Lord placed him in my life to be able to serve him as a wonderful child of God. I love him very much and i hope he knows it! I couldn't imagine my life right now if I hadn't been given the opportunity to share with him what makes my life so perfectly happy!
  
   My second story is extremely close to my heart. A close friend of mine from last year, reentered my life. She and I have had very different schedules and since her trip to Europe last Summer I haven't really had much time to sit down and talk with her. Well today I saw her, (I shall call her R.) in the cafeteria. I asked R how she was and she said she was doing really well and we chatted for about 10 minutes while we waited here and there for different food lines. I went to sit with some friends and she went to sit with some of her other departmental friends. After I was done I walked outside to go back to my place, and I saw R. sitting by herself. I laughed at her and we started up a conversation. (My class that hour had been  cancelled due to the holidays.)  She told me she felt frustrated and confused and just all around depressed. I felt terrible. This was a day for full rejoicing classes we're almost over and here she was about to break. So I let her talk. She and I are close enough that i knew some of her family stories and a little about her background (she had lived in Utah and grown up the LDS faith). I was ultimately surprised when she mentioned that she missed the LDS faith. She felt abandoned, lonely, and really confused. So we just talked about remembering to chose the right. Not just the right choices, but the right life style for her, the right timing of her and the Lord. We talked about finding the little things that school sometimes tries to take away from us. She went on to say that her CTR ring really didn't fit anymore but she was wanting to find one. ( I remembered that a few weeks ago when the church store was going out of business I bought a really nice pink one (even though my cursive ring is still in great condition and the pink one was too small)) and automatically knew I had bought that pink ring for this exact purpose. To remind R. that she is a beloved daughter of God, who knows when she needs to be heard. She needed a reminder that the school does not define who we are (EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY!) I was so grateful that the Lord gave me an hour to spend with this lovely young lady who had thought she didn't matter. This school, did that to her. She lost her individuality, she lost her faith in herself, she felt inadequate and unnoticed, and I was given the opportunity to remind her who she was, that the faith was inside her and that in the end, this school would be a piece of paper nothing more. we don't have to let a liberal arts school define us as a person. I love R. so much and I was so touched that she opened up to me. I sincerely hope that she knows I care deeply about her and that  I know the Lord is still looking out for her! 

 Then on Sunday of last week the sister missionaries in our ward asked me if I would like to teach Sunday school. I of course said yes, i really do miss teaching! I did a quick prep and ran in blind, but in the end it all went really well! I am so grateful that the lord is trusting me to fulfill his work! Not just because I am not on a mission but because i am living the standards and the gospel to a point that i can be led by the spirit! The Lord has been able to place in the lives of F. and R. not just for me to have them but the Lord can work miracles through a steady hand! i hope to always remain this faithful! I love being able to do the work. While here or while on a mission. Because even though I am not called I am still wearing the badge. It is engraved upon my heart and there to stay. I continue to pray to be given the chance to serve a full time mission, but I also see the good in being able to serve your fellow men (and in my case women )  while living your life day to day and following the examples of Christ.

 Those were my 3 chances in the last few weeks to live in the example of Christ. Thanks for taking the time to read this and share the knowledge that Our Heavenly Father lives. Truly and fully, that he knows each of our needs individually. He is so aware of each of us and our current situations! I am so loved and grateful for the opportunity to share the knowledge of that love. My Heavenly Father and my savior Jesus Christ, both know my hearts desires and I know that i can always turn to them and continue to ask for patience, love, growth and an opportunity to serve. Because as long as I live the gospel and want to share it, I will be able to!

       ~  Rach

Believing in the Lord's timing...no matter how hard.

     

Oh How true this is!!!!! As many of you that are reading this know I am dying to be able to put in my papers to serve an LDS Mission! If you had to put it on my list of priorities it's secondary only to finishing my Bachelor's degree. These two things have been my dream goals for a long time. And for the first time in the few months of this Semester I realized how close i was getting to the ability to start my papers to officially go on my Mission. it was the most exciting feeling in the world! Here is where my plot twist comes in...

  School is trying to hold me for a whole semester more. So instead of graduating this spring it will be in a year from now. A WHOLE YEAR!!!! 

I don't know if anyone else has had this complication but i can't tell you how angry I am at the school they have no right I have done all my schooling I can...

Then a thought comes to me..." This might not just be for you."
 I sit perplexed by this  thought...let me tell you why.......

someone once told me that a mission is not for you. It's for the Lord. It's your time in the Lord's hands. What he does with you in that time is for him to know. But for all you know he knows that you need to be held back from fulfilling any farther in the process. Whether it be for a personal reason OR a teaching lesson. Now I am not saying he is trying to teach me patience because I know patience, what I am learning is trust in his timing. Patience is different that timing. I think he is teaching me the punctuality of him. I also think that whoever out there is waiting for me to give them the message may not be 100% ready to hear and so this hold might not just be for me but those I will teach!

This is all fine and dandy but it doesn't change the fact i lose 6 more months from mission time.

BUT Hey that cant be all bad. I have six more months, to read the scriptures, take more mission prep classes, and go to the temple. So sure I could think of it as losing 6 months in the field but I could also look at it as 6 months in the prep stage that I didn't have before. I don't have to rush anything. This is all the Lord's timing i really do have to remember that.

 So this will be my got to reminder  for the next year as I wait for November 2014. It will be here before I know it!  It wont be easy but if i keep in mind the Lord knows what he is doing. Then I can't go wrong. I also have to remember no matter how long I have to wait, A mission will be there! The minute those papers can go in, will be a sweet reminder of my Lord's mercies and Love for me at all TIME in all things and in all places. I just have more time to really focus and really make sure I am ready to go out and do the Lord's work for him! I of course worry about what this might do to me financially and what else but the Lord obviously knows what he wants of me and if another semester of school is the designated plan I won't complain but do so with a full heart knowing this is what he wants. (But if school would let me out in 7 months I would REALLY LOVE IT!!!) BUT I am willing to accept the cards he deals me. I just have to remember to do so with a smile and carry on carry on carry on!

So President Hinckley knows what's best. I just have to move forward with a Happy Spirit. Everything will work out, maybe not the way I wanted but for the best! In someways that's better than the way I thought right???

I WILL GO ON A MISSION! 

MY CONVICTION WON'T CHANGE.

SOMEONE OUT THERE NEEDS WHAT I HAVE AND I WILL BE THE ONE TO SHARE IT WITH THEM.

THAT IS MY  PROMISE TO YOU READER.

I WILL GO AND BE IN THE SERVICE OF MY LORD. 

THE FUTURE SISTER DUGAN

Thoughts on Nephi's Wife and a New Challenge for Me.

  So in my last post I talked some on my latest finding in the First two Books in the Book Of Mormon. Now I haven't really been able to do a lot more in the last two days but I shared my blog on Facebook (which trust me- for me, took some guts.) I'm always scared that my blog really is just for my own sanity and that no one else will really get anything out of it....HOW WRONG I WAS! (at least today... )
   My last post ended with my thoughts on Nephi's wife. I was reading those old animated Book of Mormon for kids, and came across Nephi's wife when they were traveling across the sea. I read their little caption it said 1 Nephi 18, but when i went and looked ( and you know skimmed is more like the right word) I didn't really think I found anything so kind of left my reference out. Most know she was a daughter of Ishmael and that was kind of enough even though her defense for her husband was kind of what drew her to me, I ended up just letting it slip my mind.
   Today when I finally shared my blog a friend of mine was actually able to show me where it is for real and teach me something (BOY AM I GLAD HE TOOK THE TIME TO READ MY BLOG!!!)
   Anyways so here were his responses  ( my thoughts are in the black)

• "I love your blog entries! I was reading and i want to show you something cool i learned about Nephi's wife, one of the daughters of Ishmael you mentioned. When Nephi was threatened by his brethren 1 Nephi 7 verse 19 if you look at the footnote for letter a, on one of the daughters defending Nephi, it points to 1 Nephi 16:7 "and it came to pass that i, Nephi took one of the *daughters* of Ishmael to wife..." The footnote on daughters points back to the first scripture i pointed out hinting that Nephi actually married the righteous woman who stood by his side and defended him by the power of her words and testimony." BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!
• 
  
  

  "Well it didnt say she bore testimony in verse 19 of 1 Nephi 7 but whatever she said softened Laman's heart While in 1st Nephi chapter 2 CLICK HERE FOR FULL SCRIPTURE REFERENCE it says the brothers were hard hearted. Could you imagine being so righteous you could change a stiff hard heart enough that he actually begged Nephi for his forgiveness.???? it's just an amazing truth!!!!!! I was so excited to show you this little tidbit (I'M SOOOO GLAD YOU DID!!!!) i learned from the scriptures as i can see it really is wonderful to have such great women in the scriptures as well as in our church today that are so dedicated and strong.It's inspiring. Keep up the good work, and i know you have potential to be a great missionary if you study hard and bear your testimony often to those around you. " I'm grateful for your confidence in me. I only hope to continue to make you and the Lord proud of my endeavors!
• 
  

  "And the other scripture that mentions Nephi's wife briefly says in 1 Nephi 18 I some what know this... when they are crossing the sea to America, in verse 19: ...and also my wife with her tears and prayers, the Idea of her crying....wow, just like Sariah the minute you find them being human you find their love and faith the most assuring! and also my children couldnt soften the hearts of my brethren that they would loose me" so you can see here Nephi's wife in the face of a terribly dangerous circumstance, when the wicked brothers tied up Nephi, at least it shows here she had great faith and she prayed and pleaded to the Lord that Nephi would be let go."

  
  

  Well All I can say is...he is brilliant and super awesome for taking the time to share all of that with me! I am grateful for him and I know the Lord placed him in my life to teach me something .I think I shall also doing more of the scriptures that I find on here as potential study opportunities to look back and learn! 

    I know that since I can't leave for that white field just yet I can learn and really dedicate my time to scripture study and surrounding my life with people like Brother Lawrence, who has a firm faith and is willing to share with me what they learn! I know the Lord is constantly blessing my life. I might just start a second challenge and every day look for something the Lord blesses me with that day, and everyday. Maybe for the Month of November (Being that whole THANKS GIVING Month ) haha I'm 11 days behind but hey it can always go into December. I might just make it longer. I think it's important to notice what the Lord does for us. I  guess I can start here and now...

  
  

      November 11, 2013 -

         I am grateful that the Lord gave me the opportunity to belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for my sense of being and knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful for the knowledge I can be with family members that I have never met (especially my Brother Gregory Austin) If I live this life correctly. I am grateful the Lord gave me the church that i may learn how to live. I am grateful for the scriptures and for the daily reminders they bring into my life! I am grateful for missionaries and their service. i am grateful for the work that as Missionaries is accomplished! Above all I am grateful for the opportunity to share these thoughts here and now. In a world that is so focused everywhere else. I am grateful for the chance to reflect on my Savior's Love and share it with you. I say these things in the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Amen.

My First Letter and the beginning of my Women in the Scriptures challenge

    So Sister Ruth has been in the MTC since Tuesday, and I have been praying to know she is doing well and ultimately ok. Today was my confirmation in her first letter AND email! I am really glad i heard from her. She says her companion Sister S. is very sweet. I am glad she is doing well she has also already been asked to serve as a Training Sister. 3 days in already training just proves she is meant to be there and definitely there with the right heart and mind! I only hope i can be as well prepared as she was when she entered! I am just glad to have heard from her and to know she is proud of me and my endeavors! It means a lot to me!

     So my second part of this post is because I have been doing a really cool challenge to encourage my scripture reading. I found it on a friend's blog of a blog she was at the time following. It's a challenge to write down or take some sort of note on the women you encounter in the scriptures. I thought it might be cool especially since I am named after Joseph of Egypt's mother- Rachel. I should want to learn about the woman my mother and father decided to model my name after. I guess the idea of woman in the scriptures has always been one we learn about especially as young ladies growing up in the church. But do we ever find our own testimony and love for these women that the Lord loved enough to leave as examples of righteous and faithful women to shape our own lives after. I didn't really want to start with my name and work from there I decided to pick one book and work my way through all standard works. I  then decided it would be easy enough to start in The Book Of Mormon, because that's what my institute class is studying this semester.  It was actually very easy to start but i found that as I really fell into a pattern of reading my scriptures I would forget to take notes and just fall into the stories and stay there until many chapters later I would put my scriptures down and just forget to take note.
   
    The books that I have studied really strongly so far is that of 1st and 2nd Nephi. It started for me in 1st Nephi when I read about Lehi's wife. Sariah. She is a faithful and loving wife. BUT with 1st Nephi 5, when she finally melts down and murmurs against Lehi and yells at him. That's when I found my love for her because for once she was a mother not just a wife! Nephi loved his mother and respected her but this moment when she thinks her boys are dead she isn't just angry but she is mourning the thought of loss of her sons. I could only imagine what she must have felt and I believe the way she lashed out at her husband is a human reaction. She shouldn't have but she thought she had reason!

    The next ladies I encountered were the Daughters of Ishmael, they were never given names and never counted really. I just ignored them until they started being distractions of the gospel for many of the young and older men in the story. I really think they were mentioned only because they became the wives of Lehi's sons. They really weren't important. The only young lady i would love to know more about is the wife of Nephi. he was persecuted so hardly by his brothers and many others, how strong was she? Was she able to comfort her husband or did she find her faith failing because her husband was so hurt and grieved by his brothers? How did she find her faith in the lord and her husband and never let that shake? I can't wait to know the answers.

   So those are the two big groups that I encountered in the first two books of The Book Of Mormon. I hope that who ever reads this (especially you sisters in the church and faith) finds their own love to start learning about these women and their trials, their lives, and their own love for the savior!

Good Bye Sister Ruth!!! Hello Sister Dugan!!!!!!

 

This is Sister Ruth right after being set apart just a little earlier this evening.

 I can't believe she is finally going. it feels like only yesterday she had received her call to serve in Indianapolis Indiana. She is such an inspiration to me, as she puts her life on hold to go and preach to others that their spiritual lives may no longer be halted. I am more than pleased, I am so excited as she is about to go and meet many new people. 

Yet at the same time I am terrified, not for her but for me. I am worried about being alone while i work on my own papers and as Satan tempts me I know i shall have to gain strength from Sister Ruth in letters and emails. I know she is just as proud of me as I am of her! We have been best friends for a long time and to be honest we both have come a very long way to both be ready to serve! I am proud to finally be ready to start my own preparations as I met with my Bishop this last Sunday and really started focusing on what i need to do to serve! 

I am so proud of her, I don't think I will ever be able to say it enough! She is truly my best friend. You don't know this but she and I have been like sisters for the last 5 years. We told each other everything, even when it wasn't so great to hear. We were always there to share the burdens of being a normal teenage girl! We shared experiences, crushes, feelings, and even road trips since 2008.  I am so grateful for the lord who put such an amazing young lady in my life. He filled my life with something I don't think I will ever be able for granted. He put Sister Hannah Ruth in my life, forever. She and I were friends before and we will be friends for years and years of eternity! She will always be my Sister in Zion. I could never ask for a stronger individual! She is pretty dang special to me!

 I will never be able to repay the Lord and his love for me when he placed her in my life the year I turned 16. I thought we ruled the world. We were always together and somehow she helped mold me into a bright young lady. When I was 14 and told by many a Young Woman's Leaders " that they would mold me to become a young lady" I never could take them seriously that just wasn't me. I wasn't a young lady. I was just a 14 year old chick! But as I grew up with Sister Ruth she showed me whatt being accomplished meant. She showed me how to love and care for people more than I ever could. She taught me how to use tact which I am sure wasn't easy for her. She taught me how to love someone who wasn't in the same room. She has always been there through the thick and thin and I hope I was there for her just as much! 

I will always be grateful for the choices in her life that she made that helped her chose a mission, She was there the day I decided that a mission was my desire as well. I sincerely hope to always make her proud. I know I am mighty proud of her and nothing will ever change that.  

Good Luck Sister Ruth, I am praying for you night and day! Never forget who you are and what you stand for and in eighteen months, Return Home in Honor. 

Much Love,

 Sister Rachel Dugan

To Keep Track of Sister Ruth and her wonderful progress in Indianapolis Indiana check out her blog;

RIGHT HERE

Let Go and Let God.

   I have had a wonderful week as my Best Friend in the whole world received her mission call. She will be serving in the Indiana, Indianapolis Mission. She leaves Nov. 6th. I am so proud of her. I can't even begin to put to words all the feelings of joy, and excitement, and absolute love for her and her decision to spend 18 months of her life serving the Lord for the church and our cause to spread the gospel to the world!

  

 It has really put things into perspective for me this week. I have been working at a court reporting agency for the last two weeks.TANGENT:  It baffles me how people can do things they don't enjoy, or how much people talk. Gossip! UGH! One boss has told me I am doing really good and I think it is bothering the full time coworkers(they are all acting weird around me). But that's for another time.

   ANYWAYS ...back to my point. I think the people I have chosen to surround me in my life, are so much happier because i can see the celestial glows. I can see the knowledge and the feelings of truth when the spirit of the gospel lays hold on them, and touches their hearts. I have watched many of my friends truly come to know  and love Christ in the last year.They want to serve him and they love him with their whole being. Their influences have helped bring me closer to the the Lord. I have chosen that I too want to serve in a very short time.

  I was reading my scriptures last night and  a phrase came upon me. "Let go and Let God"  this has added much to my thoughts today. To Let Go and Let God. Now my tangent may become relevant. To let go of the world, the cares of the gossip and celebrities. Let Heavenly Father take control. Stop caring about who is sleeping with who, and who is backstabbing who. It's not important and it's really none of our business. I Have decided to not let myself get caught up in the worldly issues unless they pertain directly to my safety. I think that's the smartest thing to do in our lives is to stop being distracted by things that have nothing to do with us.I need to focus on my studies (school and spiritual) I can find better things to do then gossip and snicker. I can fill my life with wholesome things and I don't have to get caught up with all the other junk! 

    Heavenly Father knows exactly what each of us need to be fulfilled. I do believe that he knows the direct desire of each of our hearts. My best friend needed her call now to be fulfilled and I saw that along with the Lord. HE knew that she was ready and as she waited on His timing she came to understand him. Now she is ready and I am excited for her! Also due to these daily witnesses, everyday i become a little more ready too. I know the church is true I have known that my whole life. 

     But now I know the Lord truly died for my sins and through the Atonement I was saved by Christ. I know that Joseph Smith was a true Prophet of God. I know with  my whole heart that Families can be together forever if they live by the laws of the Gospel and live worthily to be sealed for time and all eternity. I know i will see my beloved brother again if i live a worthy life. I know the Lord cares for me in so many ways and he watches out for me every day! I know the Book of Mormon is another testament of Christ as he lived. I know within that within the Book of Mormon along with many other testimonies given, Moroni  saw our days and that he knew what would become of us in the Latter Days. I finally know that the Lord lived and Died for me that I may return to live with him some day.

 I say these things in the wonderful name of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

A New Look for a new me

Well my blog seems a lot emptier. There is a very simple good explanation. It's because I have simplified my life. Took all the negativeout and said I chose to be happy. I chose not to let something interrupt my life if I don't want it to. I finally have opened a simpler door. I have also recently decided to put my faith in the Lord and in his timing. Till he decides to hand me a plot twist i shall continue to gain my education. I will not hurt myself trying to hold onto ideas that just don't make sense in the timing right now. I need to focus and that's what i am doing. I have cleaned up my life. I am clear minded and i feel lighter than before. I really do. I also feel the choices that i make are for the best Rachel I can be right now. I don't want to be someone else or look like someone else I want to be the me he put in this skin. I want to take what the Lord has lovingly given me and become the best me I can with it.


    So it really is a brand new day.

A New Year

 This Time, it truly is a whole new year. New people, new attitudes, new everything!! And finally i feel new! I don't know if it's a good thing, but I know I feel different. I know i still have some mending to do...But i know i am better off where I am now! I feel that my life has been fixed and readjusted. I have sewn into the seams of myself a thousand of my old and wasted dreams. I am only sad that  they are wasted and i am so young. I know that I'm a young and yet my dreaming  is a way that makes my life grow and to set the goals i want to determine a future that needs to be drawn. And as I sit and feel the smooth keys beneath my fingers i know that my dreams are within reach and the more I place myself to reach them the more they will come in two-fold. I need to push myself more this year! I have been able to change my feelings about many people and I have found the ends and means to being happy that I never thought I could find. it makes me so glad to finally say that I am becoming happy again! it took me so long to share the pieces of me that hurt me and found solace within another person. I feel that the pieces of me that are still missing shall never be returned and for the better because the longer they are not in  me the longer they can not hurt me! It is a blessing that I wont be hurt by the pieces of those who do not deserve me and I am finally coming to terms with the pieces I gave away were the shedding of the worse of myself and that I am ok with leaving those pieces of me in the past .I can't dig up my self and the darkness any more i need to move on. And for once i want to.